5 Deal Breakers & 5 Deal Makers After A First Date
- Everyone has a different set of expectations going into a date, a different set of criteria that they’re fervently looking for or desperately trying to avoid. That’s what makes dating so hard. And of all the dates, first dates are the hardest. You have no idea what this person is looking for, what their story is, what red or white flags they have up their sleeves.
After a while though, you begin to parse through the nuance and sift through the complexity. Patterns emerge. Nineteen months in New York and dozens of first dates later, I’ve started a running list. In no particular order, here are some things I’ve found to truly make or break that first hopeful interaction.
YAY
1. You can laugh at yourself.
The clumsy, klutzy, vulnerable bits of a person are the absolute best. Those who are self-reflective and confident enough to laugh at themselves are naturals at diffusing any awkwardness or tension.
2. You ask questions.
There’s a real, live person in front of you. That’s decades worth of memories, friendships, aspirations, conversations and milestones to choose from. The more questions you ask, the more questions you’ll realize you have.
3. You know how to flirt.
There’s no one right way to do this. Uncomfortable with compliments? Touch my arm or graze my hand. Still too much? Make eye contact, and smile. Something, anything that tells me you’re interested in more than high-fiving me at the end of the night.
4. You share something that is specific, true, and decidedly uncool.
It’s easy to bond over the shared love of craft beer or the absurd portion of our paychecks that goes towards rent. Tell me something interesting that couldn’t possibly be a ploy to impress me. Something decidedly uncool. Tell me you’re a hopeless romantic, afraid of icicles, or insecure about typing with mainly two fingers.
5. You introduce me to your family and friends.
No, not literally. Through your stories and descriptions, I want to be able to tell who means a lot to you. If you can’t speak about your family and friends with passion, I’m not holding out hope for us. Relationships are relationships, romantic or otherwise.
NAY
1.You're rude to the hostess/waiter/bartender/bouncer/bus boy/ticket collector, etc.
Doesn't matter where we are or what the situation is. There's some kind of wisdom that says the best character reference comes from those below you, not above you. I'm not trying to say our hostess is below you. But they are providing a service, and you should be gracious.
2. You call me "bro" or "dude" or "man."
I identify with none of those things. Not only have you managed to make me feel like I've stepped into a frat party, but you're also being heteronormative, and I don't appreciate that.
3. You check your phone without even a cursory "sorry" or apologetic grimace.
Notice I did not go as far as completely denouncing the phone-glance. I totally get it. We're all busy, we all had things going on before this date, and we'll have things going on after. But you should at least want to be present, and an over-attachment to your technology is a huge turn off.
4. You stare at my chest.
Self-explanatory.
5. You act like I owe you something.
Other than respect and attention, I owe you nothing. Not a second date or a kiss or a trip to your apartment. The attempts at guilt infliction are wild. I've been called boring, rude, and a tease when in fact, I'm just busy or unsure, and at this point, definitely uninterested.
